Green Puke-O

Once again, I have suffered mental anguish at the hands of the Sundance Channel. This time, however, instead of a moving documentary on saving the world it is a disturbing collection of short films by Isabella Rossellini. This is all my fault. If I would just watch that episode of Seinfeld for the forty-seventh time like normal people, I wouldn't happen upon things like this.

This thing I speak of is Green Porno. You may have seen it promoted here and there on various cable channels. Ms. Rossellini, a world renowned actress, invites you to watch her new short films. She touts, "There is nothing porno about it. It's just fun!" Fun. Fun?

So I am looking through the free movies again (cheapass) and see several Green Porno films available for rent on the Sundance Channel. The first one is "Bee." Not knowing what is about to "bee"fall me, I choose to view it. Evidently Isabella has completely lost her mind and is sleeping with someone real high up in the television industry. How someone did not stop her from making these is crime.

Every short film lasts from one to three minutes and each one is about the mating habits of a different insect or creature. Aside from the fact that I am a nurse and the words penis and vagina still make me slightly uncomfortable (can't we just make weewee and hooha official?), what is really disturbing about the films is that Rossellini dresses up as the insect and proceeds to demonstrate the act of mating on other paper mache insects that look like they've been made for a float in a parade. The first one was so shocking and disturbing that I immediately rented the next one.

The next one was about snails. Snails have sex? I must say this one was equally disturbing and then some. Did you know that snails are sadomasochists? NEITHER DID I!! And I think I could have lived my life without ever knowing. Unless of course I make it on Jeopardy and the final question is "Snails engage in this type of kinky sex..."

Tommy was already asleep for the night. I can't wait till he gets home. I shouldn't have to suffer this alone. I am going to make him watch every episode.

If you are the adventurous type, and love a good shocking laugh, then go check out these films. If you have Insight cable, go to Movies, then Free Movies, then Sundance Channel. You'll never "bee" the same.