Apres Moi le Eclatement

So far I have really enjoyed writing posts on my new little blog. Adding pictures. Attempting to slightly entertain. I like happy. Happy is where I want to be. BUT, happy is not where I am this moment. If you do not want to know this side of me, please stop reading and wait for tomorrow's entry.

See, I have an issue with someone. And I can't come right out and tell you about it because, well, some things just shouldn't be out there for all to read. Such a public forum is not the appropriate place to air my grievances and involve someone else without their permission. Opening myself to criticism on the other hand, is my own choice. I know what you're thinking. Why even mention it then? Why dangle the juicy carrot in front of your face? Because I really just want to blow off some steam before I explode. I would like to make one small disclaimer, I am not angry with my husband. Our marriage is one of the few things I really believe in.

Right now, my displeasure is a little itty bitty cluster of cells residing inside me just above my abdomen but not quite to my chest. It has a few long, skinny feelers that normally go unnoticed until I start thinking and then I can feel them constricting my trachea. My cheeks turn red and feel hot to the touch. Every time this happens, the little itty bitty cluster of cells divide over and over. They keep growing until my brain comes up with some logical reason to not be angry. It works. For a while.

The problem is I am just so very passive. No, not passive-aggressive. I dropped those childish games in my twenties. I am passive in that I really usually just don't give a crap what other people do. At first I came to this way through many years of self exploration and awareness. I learned the same old crap that most of us learn. "You can't control what others do, only what you do." Blah, blah, blah. I'm no great philosopher about to pass on something you don't know. If you didn't know this, then you really should learn. It is really one of the first steps toward not caring what people think of you and what you do. We all think we're so important and really, we're not. (Right now, if you are wondering if this is the same girl who wrote all of those previous silly entries, you are not alone, so am I.)

No, the problem is that at some point, instead of using my lassez faire approach to the actions of others as a way to accept and love everyone around me, I started using it as a sort of defense mechanism. Like, "Hey buddy, you just do whatever you want, cuz you're going to anyway, and if I just don't care then it just won't be my problem." It works for the most part.

When it really bothers me, is when what someone does affects me or other people around them and they refuse to acknowledge it, change it, or STOP IT! Please. I am not asking that everyone run around trying to be all deep and transcendental. Just have some basic self-awareness. Use logic. "If I do this, then it will affect that person over there, and then they will have good reason to not want to be around me." It sounds so simple doesn't it?

Oh, I'm no freaking angel. I get self absorbed like everyone else. It is so human to be that way. I am always amazed at our innate desire to live and to do it as unconsciously as is possible. I fall into the trap too. It's nearly impossible not to. Unless you're Buddha or something.

So please, this is all I ask. When you are whining and crying about how everyone is against you, stop and think, "What have I done to deserve this?" NO, not in the innocent way of one who doesn't deserve it. REALLY, what exactly, through your actions, have you done to deserve what you're getting? And what have you done to cause others to react to you the way they do? I know what I have done. I have not cared enough to tell people what I really think about the things they do and how it affects me and hurts me. I have been way too passive. AND IT'S GONNA STOP.