Stranger Danger

What is up with all the perverts in the parks these days? When is the last time you went to Cox's Park on River Road? That place is a carpool cesspool of jerks circling around in their cars until they find another guy to park next to and have a window to window circle jerk. It infuriates me.

This phenomenon has made me extremely suspicious of any solitary man sitting in his car in any park. I am convinced that if they are not having car on car sex with another closeted homosexual, then they are at least rubbing their rhubarb while watching innocent people enjoy a little nature.

I have been hiking quite a lot this spring and summer. I take my dog which is probably a good deterrent to any stalking sex maniacs. (That and the fact that I am tall and overweight). But I still get creeped out when I see men parked at the trail heads or see men on the trails. So I bought a pepper spray that I keep in easy reach. I actually will reach for it if I do encounter someone...you know...just in case.

I spend a good amount of time while on the trails creating scenarios in my head about what exactly I would do if some forrest man did approach me. They kind of follow along this general story line:

Forrest Man: Excuse me, I think I am lost. Can you point me in the right direction?

Me: Yeah, I'm just walking with my ferocious canine. (This whole time I have been reaching into my pocket for my pepper spray.) I think I have a map here in my pocket.

At this point in the scenario, I whip out the pepper spray and dispense a long stream of stinking, stinging spray right into Forrest Man's eyes. Of course the wind is blowing so I will probably be hit by some backspray and start choking and go slightly blind. Surely though, I will be better off than Forrest Man and I will be able to stumble off, down the trail toward safety.

I will make it back to my car and then speed like a bat out of hell to report him to the authorities. They will go catch Forrest Man and the world will be safe from one more park pervert. When I get the police report, it will go something like this:

"Mr. Miller who is a pastor, father of five, who rescues kittens and puppies and gives them to poor inner city children, was attacked, unprovoked, by an overzealous, overweight hiker today on the Cull Hollow Trail in Bernheim Forrest. He had gone there to rescue an abandoned puppy litter. We will be investigating this girl as she has been described by other park goers as walking around with a nervous sweaty look and they all thought she might be on crack."