A few things hinder me when coming up with subjects to write about. The first is I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I don't rant and rave about my family, friends, or co-workers (there goes most of my good material). The second is I am so even keel that I don't get truly upset very often. Add to that the fact that I really don't get out much and I am left having to put in a lot of effort to come up with something to write about. Making it even more difficult lately is the unfortunate affliction of having the attention span of gnat.
So, I came up with idea of sharing some stories that other people have told me that I find hilarious. Usually when someone tells you a funny story about something that happened to them, it is either funny or "you had to be there." I was not there for the next couple of stories but I still laugh when I think about them. Hopefully you will find them at least amusing enough to not feel I have totally wasted your time blathering on and on.
Chase and Tomfoolery
My husband, Tom, owns a small lawn business. A few years ago he hired a guy named Chase to help him out. Almost every morning from March to November, if it's not raining, they head out to work. Their relationship is not just one of employer/employee. They are also friends in a way, they don't really do much outside of work, but get along great.
It seems that anytime you get two guys together, unsupervised, there promises to be a certain amount of tomfoolery. They laugh and cut up and thankfully don't cause too much property damage.
One of their daily routines is to listen to talk radio. Everyday it's on, they tune into the Joe B. and Denny Show with host Dave Jennings. For anyone out there not from Kentucky or of the sports-impaired female persuasion, Joe B. and Denny are former UK and UofL basketball coaches, respectively. Chase is an avid UofL fan and Tom bleeds blue for UK. Seeing as they spend a lot of time in the truck, driving from one location to another, they often call in to the show to ask questions or to try to answer trivia.
One thing you should understand, if you don't already know, is that Joe B. is getting on in years. He looks and sounds like a Southern Baptist television evangelist. Like Yogi Bear with a southern accent.
So, one day Tom and Chase are cruising down Westport Road listening to the Joe B. and Denny Show. Joe B. asks a trivia question over the air. It was "What NBA basketball player.............." Chase thought the answer was .......... and hurried to call in to the show. If you have ever called in to a radio show you know they ask you turn off your radio so there will not be any backfeed/interference. They turn the radio down.
Chase is on hold waiting to give his answer. Dave Jennings, the host of the show, comes on the line and says, "Chase! What do you think the answer is?" Right then, as Chase begins to utter his answer, a car in the lane next to the truck swerves over in front of the truck, causing Tom to have to brake and swerve a little himself. Simultaneously, Tom shouts at the top of his lungs, "YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!!!" He yells so loud, there was no mistaking that it could be heard on the other end of the phone call. Well, this sends Chase into uncontrollable laughter and he gets disconnected from the phone call. He and Tom are laughing so hard they can barely breathe.
They turn up the radio, and a minute later, due to the delay, while they are still laughing, they hear Dave Jennings say, "Chase! What do you think the answer is?" And there is a moment of silence where the station cuts out Tom yelling his obscenities. Then, in his southern evangelist drawl, Joe B. says, "Oh my. That's not the right answer." Like a disappointed grandfather. As you can imagine, by this time, Tom and Chase are about to have aneurysms, they are laughing so hard. Tom actually had to pull the truck into a parking lot and they got out of the truck and were bent over laughing and choking.
Finally to add insult to injury, later in the show, Chase makes another attempt to call the show and give an opinion. However, when Dave Jennings fields the calls during a break, he asks for the person's name and when he hears it's him again he says, "Chase, I think we've heard enough from you today."
When Tom came home and told me the story, I laughed and laughed. Something about it really cracks me up. Now, anytime Tom does something that causes him to cuss I say, in my best southern Yogi Bear drawl, "Oh my. That's not the right answer."
I recently asked the subject of this next story, via email, if I could tell her mishap here on my blog and she wrote back something like "No way! I'm saving that one for my future blog." Since she has kids and a job and all that, I am just going to assume she was kidding, will never have her own blog, and that it's O.K. to tell it. No is the new Yes, isn't it? I did promise I would change her name. I'll keep that one.
Hillary, is one of the most accidentally funny people I know. I have known her many years, and our countless escapades of drunkenness and idiocy have provided some great Charlie Chaplin/ Three Stooges style of physical comedy. The funny thing is, the two incidents I mention here, happened while sober.
The first one is just a short, honorable mention. Everyone hears folklore passed down through the generations about women going to the bathroom and accidentally stuffing the back of their skirt into their pantyhose and walking out. I always though it was fiction. Not for Hillary. She was at her sister's wedding and really had to go. She went in, did her business, and walked out of the bathroom fully relieved. That is, until she got to the dance floor and someone ran up and said, "Oh my god! Hillary! Your dress in stuffed into the back of your pantyhose and everyone can see your bottom!" Hi-larious!!
The second installment in the Hillary Follies begins when she decided it was time to lose some weight and opted to take water aerobic classes. Hillary joined the Y and was doing really well and was very disciplined. She would often take her swimsuit with her and go after work.
One night, she got to the Y, went to the locker room and changed into her swimsuit. She regularly wore a type of swimsuit called a "tankini." For all you men out there, it is a cross between a bikini and a one-piece. It has a bottom and then a separate tank-style top that covers the torso. She changed, grabbed her towel and headed to the pool.
The aerobics class went pretty much as planned. It's easy to look good next to a bunch of elderly women. Hillary made her way toward the stairs to exit the pool when the class was over. As she began her ascent she suddenly noticed that her swimsuit bottom was feeling sluggish, like it was dragging or sagging as she exited. She looked down and felt a sudden rush of horror through her body. She had forgotten to change into her tankini bottom!! In it's place, were the grandma panties she had worn to work that morning!!! Almost see-through when wet!!!
You just can't make up silliness like that.
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