Stranger Danger

What is up with all the perverts in the parks these days? When is the last time you went to Cox's Park on River Road? That place is a carpool cesspool of jerks circling around in their cars until they find another guy to park next to and have a window to window circle jerk. It infuriates me.

This phenomenon has made me extremely suspicious of any solitary man sitting in his car in any park. I am convinced that if they are not having car on car sex with another closeted homosexual, then they are at least rubbing their rhubarb while watching innocent people enjoy a little nature.

I have been hiking quite a lot this spring and summer. I take my dog which is probably a good deterrent to any stalking sex maniacs. (That and the fact that I am tall and overweight). But I still get creeped out when I see men parked at the trail heads or see men on the trails. So I bought a pepper spray that I keep in easy reach. I actually will reach for it if I do encounter someone...you know...just in case.

I spend a good amount of time while on the trails creating scenarios in my head about what exactly I would do if some forrest man did approach me. They kind of follow along this general story line:

Forrest Man: Excuse me, I think I am lost. Can you point me in the right direction?

Me: Yeah, I'm just walking with my ferocious canine. (This whole time I have been reaching into my pocket for my pepper spray.) I think I have a map here in my pocket.

At this point in the scenario, I whip out the pepper spray and dispense a long stream of stinking, stinging spray right into Forrest Man's eyes. Of course the wind is blowing so I will probably be hit by some backspray and start choking and go slightly blind. Surely though, I will be better off than Forrest Man and I will be able to stumble off, down the trail toward safety.

I will make it back to my car and then speed like a bat out of hell to report him to the authorities. They will go catch Forrest Man and the world will be safe from one more park pervert. When I get the police report, it will go something like this:

"Mr. Miller who is a pastor, father of five, who rescues kittens and puppies and gives them to poor inner city children, was attacked, unprovoked, by an overzealous, overweight hiker today on the Cull Hollow Trail in Bernheim Forrest. He had gone there to rescue an abandoned puppy litter. We will be investigating this girl as she has been described by other park goers as walking around with a nervous sweaty look and they all thought she might be on crack."

You English Are SOOOO Superior!

Yes, I am about to get on my high horse! This is probably a really snooty post but I don't care! I am so sick of seeing people use the following words incorrectly. Now, I do not claim to have perfect grammar and my punctuation is less than perfect, but you can definitely improve your image by learning how to use the words below.

YOUR - possessive. Example: "It's your blatant disregard for English that irritates me."
YOU'RE - contraction for YOU ARE. Example: "You're going to fail your English class."

THEIR - possessive. Example: "It's their fault you're going to fail your English class."
THERE - direction/location. Example: "Your English class is over there."
THEY'RE - contraction for THEY ARE. Example: "They're making me take an English class."

ITS - possessive. Example: "Your incorrect use of English has taken on a life of its own."
IT'S - contraction for IT IS. Example: "It's ridiculously easy to use correct English."

TOO - use in place of "also" or "very." If you can't replace with "also" or "very" then use the word TO. You're not going TOO the store. You're going TO the store.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better now.

Hello Again, Hello!

A very good friend of mine pointed out the other day that it had been quite a long time since I had posted on my blog. I have to admit, my dear blog, that I have been neglecting you. I think about you every now and then but the effort to get together has seemed like too much for me. A little five month hiatus has probably been a good thing for the both of us.

What have I been doing since August 22nd you ask? Well......

First: I have a new job. Yes, I finally felt that I had done my time in the trenches of floor nursing hell, so I applied and was rewarded with a shiny new job. I now work in Invasive Cardiology. To all you lay people out there, that means I work in the area where they do heart catheterizations. However, I work in a small sub department called Electrophysiology. Basically, we do pacemaker/defibrillator implants and fix (hopefully) peoples' hearts that are beating the wrong way.

It is definitely less stressful than being a floor nurse, but does come with its own stresses. The main stress is that my job is basically to sedate people to the point that they're asleep without suppressing their drive to breathe. In other words, "Put 'em to sleep, but don't kill 'em." The hard part about it is that there are hardly any rules to follow. Some little old ladies are zonked out for two hours off of one milligram of Versed, while you can pump other little old ladies full of narcotic cocktails and they still want to talk to the doctor from under the sterile sheets.

Second: I have been adjusting to my new schedule. I was working night shift before, and now I work four ten-hour days. I get up at five in the morning, get home around six, make dinner, relax, and go to bed. On those four days, there is not much time for blogging. I do have three days off. Which have been sucked dry with-

Third: Holidays. Every year, beginning around Halloween, I become a neurotic mess. Let me explain. I enjoy the day of the holiday. But all the days leading up to the holiday.....not so much. This seasonal dread of mine began many, many, years ago. I have divorced parents and deciding what to do and where to go and wanting to make everyone happy tears me apart. Add to that mix a husband with divorced parents and now we are really torn.

Also, I just feel like it's all gotten out of hand. I don't even have children and still managed to spend $800 on Christmas this year. That is RIDICULOUS! Gifts should be for children under the age of twenty-five. I am approaching my forties and my parents still spend hundreds of dollars on me. While it is exciting to scuttle home with my loot, I really don't need any of it.

Last: A whole lot of nothing. Tommy and I have been laying low trying to save money that somehow still disappears at an alarming rate. I have been keeping my stress level as low as possible so I don't have to go back on mental meds. That has been working well and now I only lose my mind and go into crying fits once or twice a month. My darling husband, he loves me anyway.


Future Plans for 2010

This year I want to find activities/hobbies I can enjoy alone or with Tommy. Now that I have a better schedule at work it will be easier to plan. I also need to work on losing about 500,000 pounds that I gained in the last six years but I want a miracle that makes them all go away in 8 weeks. If you have any miracles, send them my way.

And, dear blog, I promise not to neglect you so much in the future. You are my favorite cyber-therapist.

Close Encounters. . . of the Annoying Kind

I have always believed that most humans, or maybe North Americans, have a certain sense of personal space. If a place is crowded and you have no choice but to stand side-by-side or sit in a chair next to stranger then it is socially acceptable to do such things. Otherwise, one should give strangers the courtesy of space. I do realize that some cultures don't observe this as much as others. I usually think those cultures are from countries with very large populations crowded into cramped cities. Like the major "metropoli" in Japan, China, and India. But here in the United States of America, one thing we are not short on is space and most people avoid being too close to others unless they have to.

This is not the case whenever I go to the movies with my husband. We are early birds by nature. We get to the movie theater early enough to enjoy being raped of our money at the concession stand. We allow plenty of time for last minute bathroom visits. We make sure we have the seats that we want. We try to go to matinees during the week to avoid crowds. Our habit is to enter the theater with Tommy walking in front of me because I like him to pick the seats. Sometimes we like to sit in the very top row because the arms on the chairs raise up and we can snuggle. (Note: this plan does not work if you are going to see a movie that kids will see too. They like to sit in the back row and you will not be able to enjoy your movie.) Every time, we choose seats at a respectable distance from others.

We are convinced that we are human magnets. EVERY DAMN TIME we go to the movies, someone comes in and sits directly in front of us or even directly behind us in an almost empty theater. This annoys the ever living shit out of us. Does this not annoy you? Are we crazy to think that the person should sit at least a few seats down so we can lean back, put our feet up, and chat without feeling like we're being listened to? I understand if lots of people are coming in, but I'm talking like 15 empty rows and some asshole/assholes always choose to sit right smack next to us.

This is a very close representation of the people in the theater that day and where they were sitting.

See what I mean? Rows and rows of empty seats and yet the guy sits right next to us! It makes me feel creepy, like he's some kind of sex offender or something.

It has gotten to the point that we just look at each other and start hysterically laughing. The offender/s must be wondering what the hell set it off considering they are close enough to hear us breathe and therefore must realize that nothing funny was said. I then spend the next ten minutes before the movie starts thinking about how much I want to stand up and move to other seats. However, for some strange reason, one feels like this would be a silent F-you to the person and we stay right where we are. Why? I do not know.

This is going to be my new resolution. As soon as someone comes in and sits closer than necessary to us, we are going to get up and move just a few seats down. Only an idiot would not get the message. Why should I be uncomfortable at the hands of an social oaf? My new motto is "Back off buddy! This is the U-S-of-A! And I have spacial rights!"

Play That Funky Mood White Girl

So, I went to the lake recently. I made this long list of things I needed to take with me and, in my flurry of organization, I forgot to take my phone charger. The result is I only took one picture while I was there. This one to the left. I took it at six a.m.

Maybe the picture is sort of apropos. It reflects my dark mood as of late. Yet, there is a little bit of light and maybe the promise of more to come. If the light would just hurry then you could see exactly how beautiful the view is. Yes, quite apropos.

My time at the lake was wonderful. My high school girlfriends and I go every year. Like us, our time at the lake has changed a lot. I remember one year, we took a keg and nine of us girls floated the thing in two nights. Now, after marriages, babies, and maturation, we catch a small buzz with a few beers and some girly mixed drinks and hit the sack by eleven. Well, they hit the sack.

I, as I have explained a few times, work night shift. I do my best to switch back to a daywalker's schedule when I am off, but it doesn't always match up. So, while everyone else was sleeping, I lay awake and stared at the ceiling. I'm glad though. It gave me time to think. I would really like more time to think in my life. And silence. I need more silence.

The worst invader of my desire for silence is the television. I have been considering imposing serious limits on my television intake. My husband is a television junky. In the past, when I have suggested decreasing our T.V. time, his face contorts into an expression of bewilderment as if I were speaking in tongues. In his defense, he has a very physical profession. He is ready to come home and plop down on the couch. Like most ideas I have, this will probably fall into the "things you say you're going to do and then never do" category. That category is in overload.

Yesterday I had one of those days when you're just in a really hateful mood. It started off when I woke up at four a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I got up and played on the computer for a bit. That was fine but by about eight, I was starting to get sleepy again. I am just like a three year-old when I am tired- GRUMPY. At least I recognize this about myself. I had an appointment with my GYN at ten-thirty and I had decided by this time that I didn't want to go. That is my modus operandi. Get sleepy and grumpy and avoid commitments. Unfortunately, I really needed to go and I took a short nap. The nap did not cure my mood.

I get to the office and they send me down the hall to get an ultrasound so they could check out my dysfunctional ovaries. Near the ultrasound is another little waiting area. This office insists on their confirmation phone call that you arrive twenty minutes early for your appointment. I did. Yet, I still waited till half an hour after the scheduled time to get in. Grr.

That went fine and it actually felt good to find out that, as I suspected, my ovaries hate me. Then I had to wait to see the doctor. I was instructed to go back to the main waiting room. Though childless (so far by choice), I am not anti-motherhood or anti-children. I love kids. Just not the kids of people I don't know. Well, some kid I don't know had decided to take the entire waiting room hostage with constant yelling and whining. "I want mommy. I want mommy. I want mommy. Whaaaa!" I was trying to read my book to pass the time and I couldn't even make it through two sentences without having to reread the line. I must have read the same paragraph forty times before the kid's hillbilly father decided to take him out of the room. I shot daggers into his back as he clomped out in his red alligator boots.

I felt sweet relief when they called my name. I followed a girl to the back where she made me stand on a scale to prove I was just as fat as I was when I was there two weeks ago. And just like the girl two weeks ago, she invented a nice sounding blood pressure number that I know wasn't right. Did I mention I'm a nurse? My blood pressure is high. I take it at work all the time and it is always the same. Miraculously, this office lowers my blood pressure by twenty points on the top and bottom. Must have been the crying kid that relaxed me.

When finished, she showed me to another little cove with a waiting area until a room was available. The room had about ten chairs. Already in there, were two women in their late twenties. That's fine, but they proceeded to talk at the top of their lungs about every little detail about their toddlers and the phases they are going through. Once again, I attempted to read my book but was constantly interrupted by, "Little Joey hit me the other day and when I told him we don't hit, he hauled off and hit me again." And the response, "Oh, I know, little Eggbert hits me all the time. He also head-butts the floor constantly." And the response, "Did you know I read online that head-butting is a sign of intelligence?" After which I promptly threw myself out of my chair and began to head-butt the floor.

No, not really. But their conversation went on and on and on. Now, I am not anti-talking. But could you just lower your voices so I can read my book? I put the book away and attempted post a nasty status update about them on Facebook. Of course, I was too deep in the building for the network service on my phone to work. Finally, I got to see the doctor and escape reproduction hell. I may have to find a doctor's office with no OB next to the GYN after their name. Grrr.

I got to my car which was hotter than hell and I actually heard my ass sizzle when I slid into the seat. Then I proceeded to turn the wrong damn way and had to take the five-mile-long scenic route around the hospital campus. It was lunchtime and everyone, I mean EVERYONE was driving like a first-class turd nugget. After maneuvering through the Breckinridge Lane Demolition Derby I stopped into Dooley's for a bite. Another quality I have in common with a three year-old is I get grumpy when I'm hungry. (Really, I am obviously just a giant baby. I should start taking pacifiers with me everywhere I go.) This Dooley's only had like five tables and they were all taken. Grrrr.

I got my order to go and ate in my car in the parking lot because I wanted to go to that shining mecca called Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I need to start cooking a little healthier and I wanted to buy a wok and try my hand at some stir fry. A girl at work had told me she has an electric wok you can sit on the counter. That was exactly what I wanted. That was exactly what they didn't have. I settled on a non-stick stove top wok, which is basically a bowl shaped skillet. I also bought a rice steamer and some plastic chopsticks for lazy fingered people. They have little springs at the top. They rule. (FYI, I do know how to use real ones, so don't be embarrassed to ask me out for sushi.)

I had all of my stuff in my cart and was suddenly overcome by the need to pee. I headed up front and went to the bathroom. Yeah, you can see what's coming. When I came out, someone had taken my cart!!!! I figured it was one of the over-zealous employees and rushed back to the section expecting to see them putting my stuff back on the shelf. Instead, I glanced up the aisle and saw some woman pushing my cart around with my stuff still in it! Now, I know she saw the stuff. It wasn't small.

I walk up to her and in my nice voice, along with my nicest "what the hell are you thinking" face, I asked her, "Did you mean to grab that cart?" She was surprised of course to be called out and was all apologetic. Even in my foul mood, I was able to muster up my "friendly persona" and blather on about how it was O.K. and how one time at Kroger I accidentally grabbed some guy's cart thinking it was mine. And then, I also proceeded to tell her she could go ahead and use the cart because I was leaving. I took out my stuff and exchanged shallow assurances that it was alright and went to check out. Really, I should have thanked her. I probably wouldn't have left and would have walked around looking for stuff to buy that I really didn't need. Like the PedEgg. I must have a PedEgg! Or another damn Yankee Candle. Mmmm, Cotton Breeze.

Now, in an even foul-er mood, I had to go to Kroger. I made the mistake of going to a Kroger that was on the way home that is not the Kroger I usually go to. I can't stand not being able to find stuff. And the Kroger I went to is one of the ones that is longer than three football fields. They need water boys passing out cups of water as you make your way through. It wasn't too bad really. And the girl bagging my groceries was the best grocery bagger I have seen in years. She packed everything exactly like I would have. I put things on the conveyor belt with a system. Yet, most baggers still do a crappy job. And don't get me started on those 99 cent black eco-bags. I like my plastic bags. There. I said it. I don't care if your great-grandchildren are sleeping on piles of them in the year 2099. Maybe if they butt their heads a little more they can figure out a way to get rid of them.

I finally made it home. Fortunately for my husband, he had left to go to a music festival and wasn't around to enjoy my grinch mood. Later, I made an early dinner of Thai stir fry and it was wonderful. I left the television off for a while and the silence was really nice. It gave me time to reflect on how and when I began thinking that the world should revolve around me. I promised myself I would start to be more patient with the general public. And I will. As long as they get out my way and shut those kids up.