Radio Curse Words & Wardrobe Malfunctions

It seems that lately my already shallow well of ideas to write about has been a little dry. There are so many ways to go when writing a blog. Some blogs I read are everyday updates about the most mundane of chores and activities and some are all heady and intelligent, constantly making deep observations about politics and other controversial subjects. I, on the other hand, mainly aim to share the occasional funny story or annoyance.

A few things hinder me when coming up with subjects to write about. The first is I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I don't rant and rave about my family, friends, or co-workers (there goes most of my good material). The second is I am so even keel that I don't get truly upset very often. Add to that the fact that I really don't get out much and I am left having to put in a lot of effort to come up with something to write about. Making it even more difficult lately is the unfortunate affliction of having the attention span of gnat.

So, I came up with idea of sharing some stories that other people have told me that I find hilarious. Usually when someone tells you a funny story about something that happened to them, it is either funny or "you had to be there." I was not there for the next couple of stories but I still laugh when I think about them. Hopefully you will find them at least amusing enough to not feel I have totally wasted your time blathering on and on.

Chase and Tomfoolery

My husband, Tom, owns a small lawn business. A few years ago he hired a guy named Chase to help him out. Almost every morning from March to November, if it's not raining, they head out to work. Their relationship is not just one of employer/employee. They are also friends in a way, they don't really do much outside of work, but get along great.

It seems that anytime you get two guys together, unsupervised, there promises to be a certain amount of tomfoolery. They laugh and cut up and thankfully don't cause too much property damage.

One of their daily routines is to listen to talk radio. Everyday it's on, they tune into the Joe B. and Denny Show with host Dave Jennings. For anyone out there not from Kentucky or of the sports-impaired female persuasion, Joe B. and Denny are former UK and UofL basketball coaches, respectively. Chase is an avid UofL fan and Tom bleeds blue for UK. Seeing as they spend a lot of time in the truck, driving from one location to another, they often call in to the show to ask questions or to try to answer trivia.

One thing you should understand, if you don't already know, is that Joe B. is getting on in years. He looks and sounds like a Southern Baptist television evangelist. Like Yogi Bear with a southern accent.

So, one day Tom and Chase are cruising down Westport Road listening to the Joe B. and Denny Show. Joe B. asks a trivia question over the air. It was "What NBA basketball player.............." Chase thought the answer was .......... and hurried to call in to the show. If you have ever called in to a radio show you know they ask you turn off your radio so there will not be any backfeed/interference. They turn the radio down.

Chase is on hold waiting to give his answer. Dave Jennings, the host of the show, comes on the line and says, "Chase! What do you think the answer is?" Right then, as Chase begins to utter his answer, a car in the lane next to the truck swerves over in front of the truck, causing Tom to have to brake and swerve a little himself. Simultaneously, Tom shouts at the top of his lungs, "YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!!!" He yells so loud, there was no mistaking that it could be heard on the other end of the phone call. Well, this sends Chase into uncontrollable laughter and he gets disconnected from the phone call. He and Tom are laughing so hard they can barely breathe.

They turn up the radio, and a minute later, due to the delay, while they are still laughing, they hear Dave Jennings say, "Chase! What do you think the answer is?" And there is a moment of silence where the station cuts out Tom yelling his obscenities. Then, in his southern evangelist drawl, Joe B. says, "Oh my. That's not the right answer." Like a disappointed grandfather. As you can imagine, by this time, Tom and Chase are about to have aneurysms, they are laughing so hard. Tom actually had to pull the truck into a parking lot and they got out of the truck and were bent over laughing and choking.

Finally to add insult to injury, later in the show, Chase makes another attempt to call the show and give an opinion. However, when Dave Jennings fields the calls during a break, he asks for the person's name and when he hears it's him again he says, "Chase, I think we've heard enough from you today."

When Tom came home and told me the story, I laughed and laughed. Something about it really cracks me up. Now, anytime Tom does something that causes him to cuss I say, in my best southern Yogi Bear drawl, "Oh my. That's not the right answer."

Oh, Grandma!

I recently asked the subject of this next story, via email, if I could tell her mishap here on my blog and she wrote back something like "No way! I'm saving that one for my future blog." Since she has kids and a job and all that, I am just going to assume she was kidding, will never have her own blog, and that it's O.K. to tell it. No is the new Yes, isn't it? I did promise I would change her name. I'll keep that one.

Hillary, is one of the most accidentally funny people I know. I have known her many years, and our countless escapades of drunkenness and idiocy have provided some great Charlie Chaplin/ Three Stooges style of physical comedy. The funny thing is, the two incidents I mention here, happened while sober.

The first one is just a short, honorable mention. Everyone hears folklore passed down through the generations about women going to the bathroom and accidentally stuffing the back of their skirt into their pantyhose and walking out. I always though it was fiction. Not for Hillary. She was at her sister's wedding and really had to go. She went in, did her business, and walked out of the bathroom fully relieved. That is, until she got to the dance floor and someone ran up and said, "Oh my god! Hillary! Your dress in stuffed into the back of your pantyhose and everyone can see your bottom!" Hi-larious!!

The second installment in the Hillary Follies begins when she decided it was time to lose some weight and opted to take water aerobic classes. Hillary joined the Y and was doing really well and was very disciplined. She would often take her swimsuit with her and go after work.

One night, she got to the Y, went to the locker room and changed into her swimsuit. She regularly wore a type of swimsuit called a "tankini." For all you men out there, it is a cross between a bikini and a one-piece. It has a bottom and then a separate tank-style top that covers the torso. She changed, grabbed her towel and headed to the pool.

The aerobics class went pretty much as planned. It's easy to look good next to a bunch of elderly women. Hillary made her way toward the stairs to exit the pool when the class was over. As she began her ascent she suddenly noticed that her swimsuit bottom was feeling sluggish, like it was dragging or sagging as she exited. She looked down and felt a sudden rush of horror through her body. She had forgotten to change into her tankini bottom!! In it's place, were the grandma panties she had worn to work that morning!!! Almost see-through when wet!!!

You just can't make up silliness like that.

Special May

I Quit!

On the sixteenth of this month, it will be the one year anniversary of the day I quit smoking. My close friends and fellow workers already know this because I mention the fact that I quit smoking at least every other day, probably much to their annoyance. I really would have thought that by this time I would be over it. I mean, I am over it, but I still have occasional longings.

I am totally over the cigarette after a meal and in the car. Also, we never smoked in our house so quitting the five times I would step outside for a smoke wasn't too difficult. I do miss sitting outside with the dog. Now, it feels strange to just sit there and stare off into space without a cigarette in my hand.

The part I am not completely over is the social part. I don't go out much, but when I do, I really want a smoke with my drink. I frequently find myself wishing I were one of the people who can smoke only when they drink. Sometimes I try to rationalize, maybe I could just smoke one. Alas, I know that is not the case. Just one and it would be over. Also, when a coworker leaves to take a smoke break, I really feel jealous. I miss the smoking social scene. There were always cool people out smoking. Not that my non-smoker acquaintances aren't cool, it was just a way to get away and socialize.

I have full body cigarette cravings about every month or so now. The craving is a sort of anxious, antsy feeling. It's like how you feel right after you've been frightened and your muscles feel kind of weak and jumpy at the same time. They're pretty easy to get over. You would think after one year you wouldn't have any cravings, but I smoked for nineteen years. Yeah, I said nineteen. It is hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I am even old enough to have smoked for nineteen years.

Several things keep me from smoking again. I would like to tell you that it is for my health and saving money, but it isn't. The first reason I won't go back to smoking is my husband quit five months before me and would bury me alive in the back yard if I lit back up. The second reason is I told myself I would quit when I finished nursing school because I didn't want to lean over my patients smelling like a dirty ashtray. The third reason is other smokers smell like a dirty ashtray. Every now and then, the scent is appealing. There's a doctor at my hospital that always smells like cigarettes and cologne and I find it pleasant. However, when I walk into a patient room and it is full of smoker family members, I thank myself for quitting. Stale cigarette odors are nasty.

So, yay me! I quit.

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I won't be quitting this one!

My husband and my anniversary is at the end of this month. We don't usually make a big deal of it. We don't really make a big deal of any holidays except maybe the Kentucky Derby. Derby is a holiday right? This year, I told him I want to go out to celebrate my birthday, quitting smoking, and our anniversary all together. We haven't blown money on a ridiculously expensive meal in a long time. I'm thinking Z's Oyster Bar and Grill (Filet and Crab Legs! Mmmmm!) or maybe Morton's downtown (where we ate the weekend after we married).

In the end, I don't really care if we go or not. The times I really enjoy with Tommy can't be planned. Like last night, we listened to Steely Dan and sang the whole way home from dinner. I love those times with my baby. Happy Anniversary!

Passing the Buck

I just have a short post today. I am off to work for a couple of nights and I couldn't stand the thought of my most recent post sitting there, sending out negative vibes. I am on my way to handling my issues like I always do. Mull it over until I come to the realization that people are who they are and if they don't want to change they never will and next time I will know better.
Aahh. Right back to passive. Like an old, comfy pair of slippers. It's the only way I can do it. It is just who I am and I don't like drama. It's how I stay happy!

Apres Moi le Eclatement

So far I have really enjoyed writing posts on my new little blog. Adding pictures. Attempting to slightly entertain. I like happy. Happy is where I want to be. BUT, happy is not where I am this moment. If you do not want to know this side of me, please stop reading and wait for tomorrow's entry.

See, I have an issue with someone. And I can't come right out and tell you about it because, well, some things just shouldn't be out there for all to read. Such a public forum is not the appropriate place to air my grievances and involve someone else without their permission. Opening myself to criticism on the other hand, is my own choice. I know what you're thinking. Why even mention it then? Why dangle the juicy carrot in front of your face? Because I really just want to blow off some steam before I explode. I would like to make one small disclaimer, I am not angry with my husband. Our marriage is one of the few things I really believe in.

Right now, my displeasure is a little itty bitty cluster of cells residing inside me just above my abdomen but not quite to my chest. It has a few long, skinny feelers that normally go unnoticed until I start thinking and then I can feel them constricting my trachea. My cheeks turn red and feel hot to the touch. Every time this happens, the little itty bitty cluster of cells divide over and over. They keep growing until my brain comes up with some logical reason to not be angry. It works. For a while.

The problem is I am just so very passive. No, not passive-aggressive. I dropped those childish games in my twenties. I am passive in that I really usually just don't give a crap what other people do. At first I came to this way through many years of self exploration and awareness. I learned the same old crap that most of us learn. "You can't control what others do, only what you do." Blah, blah, blah. I'm no great philosopher about to pass on something you don't know. If you didn't know this, then you really should learn. It is really one of the first steps toward not caring what people think of you and what you do. We all think we're so important and really, we're not. (Right now, if you are wondering if this is the same girl who wrote all of those previous silly entries, you are not alone, so am I.)

No, the problem is that at some point, instead of using my lassez faire approach to the actions of others as a way to accept and love everyone around me, I started using it as a sort of defense mechanism. Like, "Hey buddy, you just do whatever you want, cuz you're going to anyway, and if I just don't care then it just won't be my problem." It works for the most part.

When it really bothers me, is when what someone does affects me or other people around them and they refuse to acknowledge it, change it, or STOP IT! Please. I am not asking that everyone run around trying to be all deep and transcendental. Just have some basic self-awareness. Use logic. "If I do this, then it will affect that person over there, and then they will have good reason to not want to be around me." It sounds so simple doesn't it?

Oh, I'm no freaking angel. I get self absorbed like everyone else. It is so human to be that way. I am always amazed at our innate desire to live and to do it as unconsciously as is possible. I fall into the trap too. It's nearly impossible not to. Unless you're Buddha or something.

So please, this is all I ask. When you are whining and crying about how everyone is against you, stop and think, "What have I done to deserve this?" NO, not in the innocent way of one who doesn't deserve it. REALLY, what exactly, through your actions, have you done to deserve what you're getting? And what have you done to cause others to react to you the way they do? I know what I have done. I have not cared enough to tell people what I really think about the things they do and how it affects me and hurts me. I have been way too passive. AND IT'S GONNA STOP.

Green Puke-O

Once again, I have suffered mental anguish at the hands of the Sundance Channel. This time, however, instead of a moving documentary on saving the world it is a disturbing collection of short films by Isabella Rossellini. This is all my fault. If I would just watch that episode of Seinfeld for the forty-seventh time like normal people, I wouldn't happen upon things like this.

This thing I speak of is Green Porno. You may have seen it promoted here and there on various cable channels. Ms. Rossellini, a world renowned actress, invites you to watch her new short films. She touts, "There is nothing porno about it. It's just fun!" Fun. Fun?

So I am looking through the free movies again (cheapass) and see several Green Porno films available for rent on the Sundance Channel. The first one is "Bee." Not knowing what is about to "bee"fall me, I choose to view it. Evidently Isabella has completely lost her mind and is sleeping with someone real high up in the television industry. How someone did not stop her from making these is crime.

Every short film lasts from one to three minutes and each one is about the mating habits of a different insect or creature. Aside from the fact that I am a nurse and the words penis and vagina still make me slightly uncomfortable (can't we just make weewee and hooha official?), what is really disturbing about the films is that Rossellini dresses up as the insect and proceeds to demonstrate the act of mating on other paper mache insects that look like they've been made for a float in a parade. The first one was so shocking and disturbing that I immediately rented the next one.

The next one was about snails. Snails have sex? I must say this one was equally disturbing and then some. Did you know that snails are sadomasochists? NEITHER DID I!! And I think I could have lived my life without ever knowing. Unless of course I make it on Jeopardy and the final question is "Snails engage in this type of kinky sex..."

Tommy was already asleep for the night. I can't wait till he gets home. I shouldn't have to suffer this alone. I am going to make him watch every episode.

If you are the adventurous type, and love a good shocking laugh, then go check out these films. If you have Insight cable, go to Movies, then Free Movies, then Sundance Channel. You'll never "bee" the same.